Thoughts on Parenting Adolescents
09/13/08 06:53
A
couple of weeks ago, my daughter did not pass her
behind-the-wheel driver's test. I felt so sad for her,
particularly as I looked over and saw tears in her
eyes. Immediately, I wanted to inspire her to "take the
bull by the horns" and to find out what she needed to
do to schedule another test. My daughter quietly
objected to going back inside the DMV to find out the
next steps. But, I persisted. I was eager to have her
triumph over this stumbling block. She needed space to
deal with her feelings and any doubts that were
creeping in her mind. She told me that she maybe she
would just wait until she's 18 to take the test. I
disagreed with that solution and began talking about
the propensity to avoid when things got hard for her.
Wrong timing! Eventually, I caught myself and thought
it would be better to drop the subject. In retrospect,
I believe that in my efforts to be supportive that I
was coming off as pushy. Taking a step back, I see that
it was my eagerness to see her overcome fear, doubt and
sadness. I wanted her to feel stronger and to know that
she was more than this experience of failing a test.
What I missed was being with her in the midst of the
tenderness and vulnerability that she was experiencing.
I skipped passed that and moved into problem-solving
mode. I was intrigued because this was not my usual
stance. What was going on with me? Maybe it would be
helpful to look at my own experiences of tenderness and
vulnerability. Had I been patient with myself? Had I
allowed myself to feel afraid or doubtful or sad?
As parents, we want to support our teens and we want to teach them. It is also important to allow them to move at their own pace. Our teens are developing their abilities to make their own decisions. Their choices are not always going to be our choices for them and their timing is not our timing. That's okay. Case in point, after a few days my daughter was studying for her driver's test, and asked when she could reschedule the test. I learned a valuable lesson here about patience. I hope that this can be helpful to you in some way.
As parents, we want to support our teens and we want to teach them. It is also important to allow them to move at their own pace. Our teens are developing their abilities to make their own decisions. Their choices are not always going to be our choices for them and their timing is not our timing. That's okay. Case in point, after a few days my daughter was studying for her driver's test, and asked when she could reschedule the test. I learned a valuable lesson here about patience. I hope that this can be helpful to you in some way.
07/06/08 08:51
It
occurs to me that it would be important to state that
my daughter has approved of me writing about our
experiences. For the sake of helping others, she has
been willing to sacrifice a certain degree of privacy.
And, writing about these experiences has helped to
solidify my learning.
My daughter turned 17 last week and I experienced both a sense of joy and of loss. With each year that has passed I have had to adjust to the many changes that she has experienced developmentally. For instance, right now as she learns to drive and increasingly goes out with her friends at night, I have had to learn to trust that she would be okay. I remember a conversation that I had with co-workers about 5 years ago when I was unable to locate her afterschool. She was to get out of school around 2:30 pm, and I was trying to reach her at home around 3:30. It only takes about 20 to 30 mintes to walk home from school, so I began to panic when she wasn't at home. I was about to jump in my car and look for her. The fear had gripped me so that I did not care that I was in the middle of my work day. This was sometimes the way that fear worked on me. I was imagining that some stranger abducted her or that she was somehow injured "out there" in the big scary world: many parents' nightmare. Thank goodness that my friends were there. My colleagues talked with me, helped me to see the humor in my over-reaction, and helped me to settle down. They pointed out that, reasonably, I did not have to worry because Melody had shown such trustworthiness while growing up. I told them that I wasn't so much worried about her trustworthiness, but about the people out there who prey on others, the people overwhich I have no control. And, that is the bottom line: I have no control over the big world out there. I could spend my life sheltering her from potential harm, or I could allow her to have some space to breathe, to explore, to grow. I am thankful for my friends that day. They helped me to stay on the ground when I was spinning out of control with fear. Sometimes we need others to help us to keep things in perspective. I will say this, however, I bought her a cellphone shortly after that experience so that I could keep closer tabs on her whereabouts and have more peace of mind.
My daughter turned 17 last week and I experienced both a sense of joy and of loss. With each year that has passed I have had to adjust to the many changes that she has experienced developmentally. For instance, right now as she learns to drive and increasingly goes out with her friends at night, I have had to learn to trust that she would be okay. I remember a conversation that I had with co-workers about 5 years ago when I was unable to locate her afterschool. She was to get out of school around 2:30 pm, and I was trying to reach her at home around 3:30. It only takes about 20 to 30 mintes to walk home from school, so I began to panic when she wasn't at home. I was about to jump in my car and look for her. The fear had gripped me so that I did not care that I was in the middle of my work day. This was sometimes the way that fear worked on me. I was imagining that some stranger abducted her or that she was somehow injured "out there" in the big scary world: many parents' nightmare. Thank goodness that my friends were there. My colleagues talked with me, helped me to see the humor in my over-reaction, and helped me to settle down. They pointed out that, reasonably, I did not have to worry because Melody had shown such trustworthiness while growing up. I told them that I wasn't so much worried about her trustworthiness, but about the people out there who prey on others, the people overwhich I have no control. And, that is the bottom line: I have no control over the big world out there. I could spend my life sheltering her from potential harm, or I could allow her to have some space to breathe, to explore, to grow. I am thankful for my friends that day. They helped me to stay on the ground when I was spinning out of control with fear. Sometimes we need others to help us to keep things in perspective. I will say this, however, I bought her a cellphone shortly after that experience so that I could keep closer tabs on her whereabouts and have more peace of mind.
05/27/08 19:27
Yesterday,
I had a talk with my daughter about money. She and I
recently opened a bank account strictly for her to
deposit checks that she earned from her part-time job.
A few months after opening the account, my daughter
overdrew her account. I could have gone into panic mode
or yelled at her for not keeping close tabs on her
spending, but I really wanted to use this as an
opportunity to learn and grow. Most important to me,
was helping her to have compassion and to hold herself
in high regard, despite the fact that she had made
these mistakes. I wanted her to see that she could
learn from this experience. Shame and blame had no
place in this conversation and no place in our
relationship, for that matter. I am very proud of the
way that I handled the situation. I calmly gathered
information about the overdrafts, and showed her the
facts on paper. I asked how she wanted to rectify the
problem. My daughter was extremely appreciative of the
way that I approached her, especially since I did not
yell at her or expand feelings of guilt and
disappointment. I encourage parents to breathe before
addressing problems. Sometimes that bit of space that
staves off reactions can connect us to a greater
intention that we want to express.
Talking with our teens about money matters is very important. If we want them to be responsible with their money, and to develop a healthy relationship with money, then it is incumbent upon us to teach them that their worth has nothing to do with money, and everything to do with the fact that they are living, breathing human beings. Notwithstanding the fact that financial wealth opens doors, it does not define a person. Our teens are at the point of understanding their value and the value of others. Is a person more valuable if they have money? Are those who have less, worth less? Teens, and adults alike, feel pressure to consume and to emulate others. We are constantly bombarded with advertisements and messages that we are not enough, and that we can be more if we only owned (fill in the blank). I am calling for a different set of values: values of generosity and self love. As parents, we primarily teach by example. And, when we demonstrate good relationships with money, our teens learn that they are more than how much money they have or don't have. Instead of seeing money as connected to their worth, they can see that money is an instrument of giving and receiving. I wish you well as you talk with your teen about money and other important matters.
Talking with our teens about money matters is very important. If we want them to be responsible with their money, and to develop a healthy relationship with money, then it is incumbent upon us to teach them that their worth has nothing to do with money, and everything to do with the fact that they are living, breathing human beings. Notwithstanding the fact that financial wealth opens doors, it does not define a person. Our teens are at the point of understanding their value and the value of others. Is a person more valuable if they have money? Are those who have less, worth less? Teens, and adults alike, feel pressure to consume and to emulate others. We are constantly bombarded with advertisements and messages that we are not enough, and that we can be more if we only owned (fill in the blank). I am calling for a different set of values: values of generosity and self love. As parents, we primarily teach by example. And, when we demonstrate good relationships with money, our teens learn that they are more than how much money they have or don't have. Instead of seeing money as connected to their worth, they can see that money is an instrument of giving and receiving. I wish you well as you talk with your teen about money and other important matters.
05/14/08 20:05
I
recently had a conversation with my daughter about
tattoos and piercings. She attempted to explain to me
that tattoos and piercings are a matter of self
expression, individuality, and art. I talked with her
about character, appearances and the possible effects
of living with decisions that we may later regret. The
more we talked, the more she labeled me as out of touch
with the times. I found myself making sweeping
generalizations, and my daughter called me
closed-minded and old-fashioned. When did this happen?
When did I become the generation that was
"old-fashioned?" I've always thought of myself as
open-minded, but I have to admit that there are a few
things for which I hold restraint. I don't quite
understand the commonplace way in which teens are now
getting tattoos and body piercings. However, despite my
resistance, I have begun to move towards a
"harm-reduction" approach, meaning I have talked with
my daughter about where
she
wants to place tattoos or piercings versus whether or
not to get them. This has been remarkably challenging
because I have had a visceral reaction to this.
Ultimately, it boils down to fear. Fear of loss of
control over what happens to her. Fear that I won't be
able to protect her. I don't want her to miss out on
future opportunities. But, this is where our work as
parents lies. Can we hold the fear at bay, while
finding ways to quiet it? Can we stretch beyond our
comfort zones? Can we move to a more centered place?
Can we make room for different kinds of conversations
that affirm our teens, as we make clear our intentions
and hopes for them? Parenting our teens brings great
opportunities for our own learning. As challenging as
it is, it is still an amazing honor. There is no more
important job in the world.
05/08/08 09:58
I
participated in a workshop this week on "Pop Culture
Issues with Teens", presented by Officer Paul LeBron of
the Long Beach Police Department. His goal was to have
the participants "wake up," and what an eye-opener! I
was particularly surprised about the specific internet
language that our kids are exposed to. Officer LeBron
recommended googling text dictionary, and I will. This
falls along the lines of knowing what our teens are
into. Officer LeBron also talked about the "noise" or
the interference that gets in the way of our teens
hearing us. From an early age many of our teens have
been exposed to the media. There are competing messages
in the media that undermine our values at times. What
conversations are they having on MySpace? What images
are they seeing on Playstation? What music lyrics are
they listening to? What are their friends into? To
parent our teens effectively we have to open our eyes.
Many of us are so busy attending to our lives or we
fall prey to the notion that our teens can take care of
themselves. But, they need us. They need our attention,
our guidance, our understanding and our love. Let's
deconstruct the media's influence on our families. This
is pertinent if we are to create the kinds of
relationships that we want with our teens.
05/03/08 04:46
Recently,
I asked a 17-year-old girl to tell me about the
pressures that she currently experiences. She
immediately talked about the stress of SAT's, preparing
for college, peer pressure and parents' expectations.
Of course, I was curious about the effects of her
parents' expectations on her, but at the same time I
could see that her parents were a little nervous to
explore this further. As parents, we often feel that we
know what's best for our teens and we want them to
listen to us. Why are we so nervous to hear about the
effects of our good intentions? Are we afraid that we
might be wrong or that we might be hurting our kids in
some way? Most likely the answer is yes, on both
accounts. But, if we are really going to be of any help
to our teens during these most pressure-filled times in
their lives, we want to set aside the fear and to
listen closely. We don't want the pressure that our
teens are experiencing in life to drive them to
unhealthy ways of coping. I want to be very clear here
that I am not engaging in mother-blaming or
father-blaming practices. There's enough of that going
around, especially with regard to mothers. I just want
to acknowledge that the worry that we sometimes
experience when watching our teens go through stress is
sometimes a problem. It makes us want to hold on to our
teens more, because we know what's out there in life.
I'm not sure that the holding on is thoroughly helping
them.
I come across this everyday in my work with parents of adolescents. Their hopes, dreams and expectations don't all the time match up with their teens' experiences. Sometimes, our teens feel smothered by our expectations. Sometimes they are just crying out to be themselves, and longing to have us accept them for who they are. But we might say, we know who they are. We see so much potential in them and we don't want to see them squander that away. I know how that feels.
Today, I encourage you to listen to your teen, as I am taking heed to listen to my daughter. We can still hold on to our hopes and dreams for them. But, I think it is important to keep the worry at bay.
I come across this everyday in my work with parents of adolescents. Their hopes, dreams and expectations don't all the time match up with their teens' experiences. Sometimes, our teens feel smothered by our expectations. Sometimes they are just crying out to be themselves, and longing to have us accept them for who they are. But we might say, we know who they are. We see so much potential in them and we don't want to see them squander that away. I know how that feels.
Today, I encourage you to listen to your teen, as I am taking heed to listen to my daughter. We can still hold on to our hopes and dreams for them. But, I think it is important to keep the worry at bay.