Thoughts on Parenting Adolescents
09/13/08 06:53
A
couple of weeks ago, my daughter did not pass her
behind-the-wheel driver's test. I felt so sad for
her, particularly as I looked over and saw tears in
her eyes. Immediately, I wanted to inspire her to
"take the bull by the horns" and to find out what she
needed to do to schedule another test. My daughter
quietly objected to going back inside the DMV to find
out the next steps. But, I persisted. I was eager to
have her triumph over this stumbling block. She
needed space to deal with her feelings and any doubts
that were creeping in her mind. She told me that she
maybe she would just wait until she's 18 to take the
test. I disagreed with that solution and began
talking about the propensity to avoid when things got
hard for her. Wrong timing! Eventually, I caught
myself and thought it would be better to drop the
subject. In retrospect, I believe that in my efforts
to be supportive that I was coming off as pushy.
Taking a step back, I see that it was my eagerness to
see her overcome fear, doubt and sadness. I wanted
her to feel stronger and to know that she was more
than this experience of failing a test. What I missed
was being with her in the midst of the tenderness and
vulnerability that she was experiencing. I skipped
passed that and moved into problem-solving mode. I
was intrigued because this was not my usual stance.
What was going on with me? Maybe it would be helpful
to look at my own experiences of tenderness and
vulnerability. Had I been patient with myself? Had I
allowed myself to feel afraid or doubtful or sad?
As parents, we want to support our teens and we want to teach them. It is also important to allow them to move at their own pace. Our teens are developing their abilities to make their own decisions. Their choices are not always going to be our choices for them and their timing is not our timing. That's okay. Case in point, after a few days my daughter was studying for her driver's test, and asked when she could reschedule the test. I learned a valuable lesson here about patience. I hope that this can be helpful to you in some way.
As parents, we want to support our teens and we want to teach them. It is also important to allow them to move at their own pace. Our teens are developing their abilities to make their own decisions. Their choices are not always going to be our choices for them and their timing is not our timing. That's okay. Case in point, after a few days my daughter was studying for her driver's test, and asked when she could reschedule the test. I learned a valuable lesson here about patience. I hope that this can be helpful to you in some way.